The Dreaded Procedure

Everybody dreads the colonoscopy. My day was yesterday, the doctor told me it really should be done and since I’m 56 I was a bit past my warranty period. There are only two things that make people avoid the process, first the thought of a camera up your ass ( I have some nice photos if you want one) and the second is the prep.

The prep for the procedure starts 48 hours before the main event, you have to stop eating solid food. For me, this was the worst. I like to eat, I’m an all-day grazer, a bit like a wild animal. By the end of day one, after a full day of work you drink the first prep solution. I was told this was horrible, but it was not bad. I went with fruit punch. It is mixed with 16 ounces of water and chased with another 16 ounces of water. Trust me, after that you are not hungry. Now you think the fun starts, but I was disappointed. I enjoy a good dump, I expected to sit on the throne with my computer, practice the guitar, read, etc… Nothing. I mostly watched TV, of course close to the throne and diaper ready. By 10 pm and only a few squirts, I went to bed. I need to get ready for day two prep, the main event, and I was now HUNGRY!

I woke for day two and prep phase two expecting a non-event again. Big miscalculation here. Day 2 was nothing like day 1. The process is the same except it is two packets of prep with 16 ounces of water again and chased with another 16 ounces of water. Within 30 minutes you turn into a playdoh machine, only in liquid form. I shit you not (no pun intended) it comes out like water every 4 minutes for 3 – 4 hours. Your brown eye is now pink and it burns. After about 4 hours of this, the crapping slows to about every 10 minutes and less volume. It also turns from a nice brown coffee color to a yellow lemonade.

It is time for departure and you hope the flood is officially over. If it comes on again there is NO time. Wear a diaper. When you arrive you go through so many questions and forms, I love the last wishes form they make you sign it seems like you just had a colonoscopy. You are now in what I call the asshole queue, a conveyor belt of colonoscopy’s, one in one out. They get you a nice bed, you strip down and put on an elegant evening gown with your ass out and they hook you up. After about 30 minutes they wheel you into another room for the main event and there are six people in there, it is like a party, everybody laughing, talking about the game whatever and you are about to be violated. You flip on your left side to expose your backside and they give you Propofol, the Michael Jackson drug and out you go. Just like that and done. I woke up my wife was there, in 30 minutes you are ready to go home. Pice of cake, speaking of cake you realize you are staving and squeaky clean.

Your whole system is empty, literally. On the way home I had to stop at the clown (McDonald’s) for a double quarter pounder with cheese, large fry, and coke. I did consume before bed; cheese, cake, and pancakes. There is a big void to fill.

It was good to get that out of the way and the doc gave me a thumbs up, no issues and that felt good. Thinking about it is much worse than it is. The hardest part was no solid food and the 5 hours after prep two. If you are over 50 get it done, why leave something to chance, and that is coming from a guy that hates going to the doctor.

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