Day-After-Christmas Odyssey (Brazilian Edition)

The Day-After-Christmas Odyssey (Brazilian Edition)

Yesterday, as we all know, was the day after Christmas—the sacred day when, in the U.S., we return the gifts that didn’t fit. In Brazil, however, it’s technically an exchange, because “returns” are about as real as unicorns.

Like all my Brazilian adventures, this one started out innocently enough. The mission: exchange a gift my wife received and another my sister-in-law received. She’s technically my sister-in-law, but at this point we’re basically siblings, so for the sake of protecting the innocent, we’ll call her Lily.

We also decided to grab lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the mall. We arrived just in time—right before the crowds turned the place into a human traffic jam. The plan was simple: eat, exchange, and go home. Easy. Right?

We ate first because one of the exchanges involved jewelry, and that store has a long, proud history of turning simple transactions into full-blown marathons. Best to enter that battlefield with a full stomach.

We left the house around 11:00 a.m., and I foolishly thought we’d be home by 2:00 p.m. I never learn. Shockingly, the jewelry exchange went smoothly. Lily’s exchange went smoothly. I’m thinking, Wow, look at us—right on schedule. Let’s go home before the universe notices.

Now, I’m not a shopper. I’m a buyer. I go in, retrieve the item, and leave. The concept of “walking around” a mall for fun is something I still don’t fully understand. But it’s Christmas, I’m full, the exchanges went well, and life is good.

Enter my son—let’s call him Jimmy (also not his real name, for the same “protect the innocent” reasons). Jimmy wants to buy a shirt. Yes, the day after Christmas. Yes, after receiving several shirts on Christmas. But off we go to a store that has already made a healthy contribution to their Q4 profits thanks to our family.

This store took longer than expected because the shirt had to be a special color—a Brazilian New Year’s tradition I’ll explain in my New Year’s post on 12/31/2025.

Did I mention I just wanted to make a quick stop at the drugstore? It was right around the corner. Right around the corner. But I can wait.

We leave the shirt store, and I’m thinking, “Drugstore next!” But no—we’re walking in the opposite direction. Why? Silly me for asking. Jimmy needed another piece of clothing in another color for the same New Year’s tradition.

Once that was done, I thought, “Okay, NOW the drugstore.” I needed one item. Two seconds. This reminded me of the Frank Costanza line from Seinfeld:

“You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds.”

Yeah… not today.

Instead, we’re going back up the escalator because Lily needed something from the area we had just left. GRRR. My wife says, “We’ll stop at the drugstore by the house.” Fine. Lily is done, and miraculously, we actually leave the mall.

We get home, and yes, we finally go to the drugstore. That one item I wanted turned into several, but no big deal. As we’re leaving, my wife casually says, “I need to make one stop.” This was never mentioned earlier. I ask, “What does one stop mean?” Everyone laughs. It means getting a UV shirt for Jimmy.

While discussing that, we decide we also need French bread and should walk to the market. I love French bread, so I’m in. We buy the UV shirt, and I’m thinking, “Bread time!”

Nope. Lily now needs a shirt. So we do more shirt shopping. She needs me to try on the shirt to see if it would fit her son, who is taller and much thinner than a short, chubby guy like me. Naturally, I looked like a baby sperm whale in that thing. But we made a decision, Lily bought the shirt, and NOW we’re off to the market.

The bread mission turned into five bags of groceries. But we were finally done.

I got home, showered, sat on the couch, and looked at the clock. It was 5 p.m.

A lunch and a couple of exchanges turned into a six-hour expedition—twice what I expected. But this is Brazil. This is my family. And I love them. Honestly, six hours is pretty good. I’ve seen these “simple errands” take even longer.

Monday will be Volume Two in the Brazil Series, food.