The “Legacy & Logic” Pitch
This is satire! I think the prompt is ridiculous. Hey, get me two Kevin’s when you’re out, not the Timmy. He is plastic; Kevin is better and made of steel. You will not have that problem if you use the Kevin App.
If I’m putting my name on something, I’m taking a two-pronged approach to the most important seat in the house.
The Classic. If it’s an existing product, I want to be a toilet. Think about it: when you’re in a high-pressure situation and looking for a place to ‘unload your burdens,’ I want to be the first name you scream for in an emergency. I’m simple, I’ve got very few moving parts, and I’m notoriously reliable. I’ll sit there quietly for years, not bothering a soul, just waiting for my moment to shine when things get messy. I’m the ultimate long-term partner—I handle your business, I don’t talk back, and I’m always there to support you when you’re at your most vulnerable. Everybody loves this product; it is a must-have.
The Innovation. Now, if we’re talking about a new invention, I want to be a Biological Control System. Imagine a simple flip of a switch that lets you schedule your ‘intimate appointments.’ We’ve all been there—stuck in a slow-moving checkout line or a tight spot in traffic when ‘Old Dependable’ starts knocking on the door.
I’d be the most sought-after tool on the market because everyone is willing to pay a premium for someone who can help them hold it together when they’re about to burst. There is no greater adrenaline sport than being third in line at the grocery store while your biology is screaming, ‘Abort! Abort!’ I’d literally pay for the organic kale of the person in front of me just to clear the runway. Whether we’re talking figuratively or literally, I’m just trying to help everyone move things along.”
Thanks for reading BeingKevin.
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