Emperor Palpatine has announced open elections for a new Emperor — and he’s nominated Darth Vader. You get to nominate one challenger.
Well, this might get me quietly banned from future trips to the United States, but since there’s an election involved, I feel morally obligated to participate.
My nomination is the Orange Goblin. You know who I mean—no need to over-explain it, the branding practically writes itself.
Darth Vader represents order through fear, silence, and mechanical precision. The Orange Goblin represents chaos through volume, confusion, and a complete disregard for background noise. It’s basically the Dark Side versus a late-night press conference with no off switch.
It’s also visually perfect. Black versus orange. Sith discipline versus Halloween clearance aisle energy.
Imagine the campaign debates. Vader stands there, breathing steadily, saying almost nothing. The Orange Goblin responds by speaking over the breathing, interpreting it as agreement, encouragement, maybe even admiration, so sexy. At one point, the breathing pauses, and he confidently claims that’s a win.
The Millennium Falcon would immediately be repurposed into a gold-plated flying fortress with “BEST GALAXY” stamped on the side. Hyperdrive technology would be announced weekly, always “the best version ever built,” always just out of reach.
Vader eventually lifts a gloved hand in quiet resignation. The room interprets it as intimidation. It is, in fact, exhaustion.
Election over. Pumpkin pie for everyone.
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