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Hit 5,000 steps today and drop your achievement here — we’re cheering you on! 

No need to cheer. I will fail, not because I can’t, but because I have absolutely no interest in participating in the competition.

My version of walking consists of dragging myself to Leblon Beach in Rio around 9 a.m., collapsing into the sand, and listening to the waves while a man walks up and down the shore yelling “maaaaaaacheee”—which is iced tea, in case you thought I had entered a new form of coastal meditation involving vowel sounds.

I suspect the two blocks from my place to the beach do not add up to 5,000 steps. Even if I generously include trips to the snack drawer at home, or my highly strategic walks to CoffeeNow officially my “productivity hub” for generating posts like this—I may still be operating in the negative step economy.

I have gone through the full evolution cycle: Fitbit, smartwatch, chest strap. I respect the technology. I simply outgrew the negotiation phase.

Now I’m on iRelax, iTakeItEasy, and iEnjoyMyDay. Battery life: excellent. Sync rate: irrelevant.

I may walk along the beach. I may not. The system has no updates pending.

So cheer away. I’ll raise a coffee and a pão de queijo in solidarity.

Then I will proceed, at a highly optimized pace, toward my next scheduled activity: a nap. Naturally, on the beach.