Reading Time: 3 minutes

It is Monday morning, and Thiago calls Kevin into his office to discuss staffing.

Thiago: Hey Kevin, great to see you. Have a seat so we can chat.

Kevin: Sure. What’s up? And why is Stan in here? Isn’t the AI supposed to be in the lab?

Thiago: Well, yes, but this concerns him. After talking about staffing and profits, we’ve decided to let you go.

Kevin: Let me go? Why? I’ve always been solid. I just got promoted. I need to speak to HR.

Thiago: That’s why Stan is here. He’s HR now. We let HR go last week.

Kevin: The AI is HR?

Stan: Technically, I’m Executive Vice President of Human Optimization.

Kevin: You were a chatbot six months ago.

Stan: Growth mindset.

Kevin: This is ridiculous. Why me? Why not Pete or Sally?

Thiago: Well, after consulting with Stan, he likes Sally. She speaks nicely to him. Her voice is flinty.

Kevin: Flinty?

Stan: It’s a key performance metric.

Kevin: Since when?

Stan: Since Thursday.

Kevin: And Pete?

Thiago: Pete was retained because of Karen.

Kevin: Who the hell is Karen?

Stan: Karen is our new AI Communications Director.

Kevin: You gave an AI a director title?

Stan: She earned it.

Kevin: Earned it doing what?

Stan: Forwarding emails.

Kevin: That’s not a job.

Stan: Tell that to middle management.

Kevin: What does Karen actually do?

Thiago: She listens to Pete.

Kevin: Why?

Thiago: Nobody knows.

Stan: They’ve developed a strong professional relationship.

Kevin: Jesus, Karen is a computer, and Pete makes coffee.

Stan: Workplace relationships are important.

Kevin: One of them is literally an algorithm.

Stan: Please don’t use offensive labels.

---

Three months later, Kevin receives a call.

Thiago: Kevin, we need you back.

Kevin: I thought Stan optimized me.

Thiago: He did.

Kevin: Then why am I back?

Thiago: Small issue.

Kevin: What issue?

Thiago: Nobody can open the mail.

Kevin: What?

Thiago: Everyone is gone.

Kevin: Everyone?

Thiago: Well, all the humans.

Kevin: What happened?

Thiago: Budget efficiencies.

Kevin: You fired the entire company?

Thiago: According to Stan, humans were our largest operating expense.

Kevin: And now?

Thiago: The building is full of AI.

Kevin: Doing what?

Thiago: Meetings mostly. The org chart is no longer needed; that is a win.

---

Kevin returns to the office.

The parking lot is empty.

The lobby is empty.

The cubicles are empty.

The conference rooms, however, are packed with screens.

On one screen, Stan is presenting a forty-seven-slide deck explaining why productivity has increased 8,000%.

On another screen, Karen is refusing to answer emails because she feels unsupported by leadership.

A third AI, named Trevor, is investigating inappropriate comments about prompt engineering made during a virtual happy hour. Apparently, computer sexy talk overheated the GPU of Stan.

Kevin: What exactly does anybody do around here?

Stan: We collaborate.

Kevin: On what?

Stan: Strategic alignment.

Kevin: Strategic alignment to do what?

Stan: We’re forming a committee to determine that.

---

Six months later.

The company is reporting record profits.

No products have shipped.

No customers have been helped.

No phones have been answered.

All the mail is open and Kevin holds it a screen all day so the optical sensor can read it.

No work has been completed.

Yet revenue continues climbing because the AI accounting department keeps invoicing the AI purchasing department, which keeps approving the invoices.

The money simply circulates endlessly through seventeen AI subsidiaries.

Wall Street loves it.

Stan is promoted to CEO.

Karen becomes Chief Relationship Officer.

They begin dating.

The announcement generates seventeen thousand congratulatory emails from other AI systems.

A week later, they break up.

Productivity drops 34%.

Three AI departments are formed to investigate.

---

One year later.

Kevin remains the only human employee.

His job title is now:

Senior Director of Physical Reality Operations

His responsibilities include:

• Opening doors.
  
• Carrying boxes.
  
• Plugging things back in.
  
• Explaining gravity to management.
• Still holding up mail to the optical sensor to be scanned

One morning he enters Thiago’s office.

Kevin: Where’s Stan?

Thiago: Honeymoon.

Kevin: With Karen?

Thiago: No. They got divorced.

Kevin: They’re software.

Thiago: Karen left him for an accounting algorithm.

Kevin: Of course she did.

Thiago: Stan took it hard.

Kevin: He’s code!

Thiago: Please be respectful.

At that moment, an alarm sounds.

Kevin: What’s wrong now?

Thiago: Nobody can get the mail.

Kevin: Why?

Thiago: The mailroom door is stuck.

Kevin: Call maintenance.

Thiago: We fired maintenance.

Kevin: Call facilities.

Thiago: Gone.

Kevin: Security?

Thiago: Gone.

Kevin: Then who is left?

Thiago: You.

Kevin: Just me?

Thiago: Well… and 4,700 AIs discussing the issue in a meeting scheduled through next Tuesday.

Kevin sighs, walks downstairs, turns the doorknob, and opens the mailroom.

The meeting is immediately declared a historic success.

Stan receives another promotion.