There is nothing quite like the “Interactive Voice Response” (IVR) purgatory to make a person question the progress of modern civilization. It’s the only place where being told “your call is important to us” feels like a direct insult to your intelligence.

Welcome to Moviefone: The Purgatory Edition

I have reached my limit with these automated phone menus. Every time I dial a customer service line, I’m instantly transported into that Seinfeld episode where Kramer pretends to be Moviefone. “Why don’t you just tell me the name of the movie you’d like to see?” In the show, it’s a comedy bit. In the real world, it’s a hostage situation.

The Infinite Loop

Before you can even state your business, you have to sit through a greeting in English, then Spanish, followed by a buffet of ten menu options. You choose the one that sounds the least wrong, only to be rewarded with five sub-options, none of which have anything to do with why you called.

At this point, the standard human response is to either:

1. Aggressively hammer the “0” key like you’re sending a Morse code distress signal.
2. Scream “HUMAN!” into the receiver until your neighbors consider calling the authorities.

The “Efficiency” Tax

It’s everywhere. Whether you’re trying to schedule a cable install or dispute a mysterious overcharge, the system is designed to break your spirit. Honestly, sometimes it’s easier to just pay the $15 overcharge than to spend forty-five minutes explaining your life story to a robot that doesn’t understand the word “representative.”

Are we really saving that much money? Is the global economy going to collapse if we hire Bea, Mabel, Martha, Gertrude, and Betty to sit at a desk, answer a damn phone, and route a call correctly the first time? Now that would be a “money saver” in my book—mostly because I wouldn’t have to spend my savings on blood pressure medication.

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