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News: Mr. President, have you had a chance to look at the “Blog of the Week” winners? I’d love to get your thoughts.

President: Who are you? Who let you in? Are you here to push a radical-left narrative? Have you seen the price of eggs? They’re practically diamonds. Next question.

News: It’s John Ticklefeathers, sir. Local news.

President: Ticklefeathers? Fake news. Low-energy name, frankly. Though I might use it—I could use some Ticklefeathers later. But that was a low-IQ question, John. Total disaster.

News: Sir, back to the winners—did you actually read the pieces?

President: Listen, I invented blogs. I was blogging in the early 80s before anyone knew what a keyboard was. If you weren’t so low-intelligence, you’d know that. It’s a historical fact.

News: But did you read these specific posts? They were quite moving.

President: Why would I read them? Have you seen the price of gas? It’s down 150%. People are paying me to fill up my tank. It’s a boom like nobody has ever seen. We’re winning so much it’s actually getting boring.

News: Respectfully, sir, math-wise, nothing can be “down 150%.”

President: See? Typical radical-left nitpicking. Always finding issues with success. Only the smart people—the very best people—understand my math.

News: One of the winning pieces was a heartbreaking essay about a parent’s grief when their child is hurt.

President: I’m the best parent. Nobody parents like me. I feel things more than anyone. I have the best feelings. Very deep. Very expensive feelings. Sometimes I feel myself.

News: The other was a reflective piece on family traditions along the Delaware River. It was very touching.

President: I can reflect. I’m the most reflective person you’ll ever meet. But who cares about a river? Didn’t some guy—Washington, I think—row a boat across that? He was okay, but he didn’t have my numbers. He was lucky to win the Civil war.

News: So, just to be clear… you didn’t read them?

President: My posts are the best. I use the biggest words. Tremendous words. Like skidaddle. You know that one? S-K-L-DADDLE. It’s a powerful word.

News: I believe it’s spelled skedaddle, sir.

President: …Next question.

News: Would you consider offering a guest blog post for next week?

President: I already solved eight wars this morning just by talking. I already posted it. It’s done.

News: Those were tweets, sir. Not a blog.

President: I’m going to have Kristy look into your credentials. We may bring charges. Serious charges.

News: Charges? For what?

President: Shut up, piggy, or you’ll be in the lawsuit too.

News: So… is that a “no” on the guest post?

President: These blogs are a national disgrace. I’m shutting them down. Kevin? Low IQ. Mean. He talks very badly about me, and he’s a loser. Total disaster for the country. I think he is Brazil now, I mean who moves off the coast of CHINA.

News: Just one more—

President: Quiet! This fake news needs to be banned. Why don’t you ask about the drug prices? They’re down. Buildings are being named after me. Eggs are cheap again—I made them cheap. We are winning, and you’re losing. Get him out of here.