Topic: The Influencer

One of the great piles of nonsense modern technology has dumped on us is the influencer. What, in God’s name, is an influencer? And why would anyone take life advice from someone selling eyeliner while explaining why a fur-lined jockstrap is essential in a cold rink?

Back in my day, I had exactly one influencer: my dad. Influence wasn’t a brand; it was a look. The slow glance over the top of the newspaper. The pause. Then the sound of the chair moving. That was when you learned just how fast you needed to be. That was influence.

The ultimate lesson came in the form of a warning: “If you ever get arrested, tell the police not to let you out. It’s safer in there for you.” That covered a wide range of poor life choices without the need for hashtags or sponsored content.

I never needed anyone online “influencing” what I should do. The guidance was clear, immediate, and usually delivered within arm’s reach. The best influence, it turns out, was handled at home—no affiliate links required. Maybe old school, in some cases, is better than modern technology or the latest terms, and don’t get me started on terms. I have a long list of new terms I can gripe about, Full Transparency…