TAMPA BAY — Kevin (63) was found floating in the bay this morning after a final, smiling leap from the Skyway Bridge. Authorities recovered a note and a cell phone at the scene, with the last photo on the device featuring Kevin beaming from the railing—the face of a man who finally found his “out”.
According to his final note, Kevin’s sanity officially expired after spending a full week with his mother. Fearing a future that involved even one more visit, he chose the 190-foot drop instead. Neighbors confirmed his mother is a certified “PITA,” noting that Kevin’s own father only stayed grounded because his bad legs prevented him from climbing the bridge railing. Upon hearing the news, his father was seen smiling and repeating, “You lucky bastard”.
Kevin’s Children are distraught but surprisingly understanding. Their grandmother’s reputation precedes her; she is reportedly the only person in Florida capable of making entire restaurant waitstaffs go on strike. There is a rumor from years ago that while vacationing in Rome and visiting the Vatican, the Pope could be heard screaming, “Get her out of here.” That is paraphrased as we can’t print actual vulgarities.
- John The Oldest Son: Wept not for his father’s passing, but out of pure terror that he is now next in line for “Grandma Duty”.
- Samantha, the Daughter: Expressed her grief by inquiring about the remaining balance on Kevin’s Starbucks gift card.
- Nick (Youngest Son): Has already claimed the pão de queijo his mother bought for Kevin and is primarily concerned with the location of the plastic Chipotle cutlery he asked his dad to “acquire”.
- Luisa The Wife: While she called Kevin her “rock,” she was overheard mumbling about the silver lining: she finally has the bathroom all to herself.
The extended family has taken the news in their own unique ways:
- Sonia seemed angry because now she can’t even ask for Kevin to walk on the beach, or she was disturbed with the news while she was walking on the beach.
- Ana: Is currently on the phone with a lawyer to see if “Aggravated Mother-in-Law Induced Insanity” is a valid reason to skip the funeral and head straight to Disney World with Miguel.
- Mardone: Was undisturbed, he really wanted agua and to see Samanth’s cats.
Final Words from the Matriarch
When reached for comment, Kevin’s mother refused to speak until Barnaby Jones was over. Once the credits rolled, she had only one question for the authorities:
“If they discover the body, can you revive him? He forgot to spray for the weeds while he was here”.
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