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Today, we sit down with Pete Hegseth from the Department of Defense to discuss Iran strategy.

Or as it’s been rebranded internally: the Department of War.

Though there was a brief 24-hour window where it was called the Department of “Man O’ War,” which is either a battleship, a jellyfish, a racehorse, or a sign no one’s in charge of naming anything anymore.

Mr. Secretary, what is your strategy?

Hold on—“Secretary”? That sounds soft. Very 1950s, a woman’s office job, clipboard energy.

Let’s upgrade it. Spartan. That’s better. Strong. Aggressive. Historical.

Aide: Sir… the Spartans lost. To the Persians.

Right.

And Iran… is Persia.

…Let’s go back to “Secretary.”

Ok then, strategy?

Well, you know those devils planted mines.

But they can’t outsmart our dear leader—he bought us brooms. The biggest brooms. Nobody knows brooms as he does.

We’re going to sweep them right out of the way.

Aide: Sir… the mines are underwater. They float below the surface. “Sweeping” is just a term—it’s not literal.

Literal? What do books have to do with it?

Aide: That’s “literary,” sir.

And you may want to try one. Preferably on naval warfare.

Can I get a beer?

Actually, make it two.

You know what—make it six. This is strategy-level thinking.

Aide: Of course, sir.

But… the strategy?

Strategy requires clarity.

Right now, there’s a fog of war.

Aide: Sir, that’s not what that means.

No, no—I’m clearing the fog. One beer at a time.

Aide: That’s… not how military doctrine works.

It is now. Adaptive leadership.

By beer three, I expect breakthroughs.

By beer six, we’ll have total victory.

Aide: Over who, sir?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.