Dear Abby,

I’m having a problem with my neighbor. Every time my people try to expand the property line, he runs outside waving flags and insisting he was there first. I keep explaining that we’re on a divine real-estate mission — basically the Blues Brothers with tanks — but he refuses to cooperate.

The situation is deteriorating quickly. He’s throwing rocks, my camels are ruining the olive trees, and every discussion somehow turns into a three-thousand-year argument nobody can fact-check because half the evidence is carved into rocks and the other half was translated seventeen times. Frankly, he shows no respect for our historic right to slowly absorb the entire neighborhood while calling it self-defense.

I thought about asking my friend Donald for help, but he approaches diplomacy like a man assembling IKEA furniture with a flamethrower. Last week he suggested solving the conflict by turning the region into a luxury golf resort with falafel food trucks and duty-free flip-flops. What should I do?

Signed,
Bumbling Bibi

Dear Bibi,

My first suggestion is diplomacy. Invite your neighbors over for wine and a carefully curated discussion about historical trauma. Avoid opening with airstrikes, biblical land claims, or PowerPoint slides featuring animated arrows.

Remember: nothing says “peace process” quite like two sides presenting competing maps from different centuries while the rest of the world pretends this meeting will definitely work this time.

As for Donald, keep him far away from negotiations. His idea of Middle East stability is to put his name on the desert and charge resort fees. The last thing the region needs is a casino called “The Gaza Sands.”

Unfortunately, you may eventually face the horrifying possibility that both sides believe history handed them the deed — and neither side kept the receipt.

Signed,
Abby

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