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The Scene: Hell

A vast lake of fire. At the end of a molten chute stands Lucifer, checking a clipboard like an overworked hotel manager.

A distant rumble. A flaming figure shoots down, lands with a splash, and immediately begins adjusting a singed extra-long tie.

Lucifer:

Ah. Donald Trump. Right on schedule. No last-minute deal upstairs?

Trump:

Total disaster up there. Very unfair. Rigged system. I offered them everything: luxury clouds, premium halos, and gold-plated harps. The best golf. Nobody builds heaven better than me, believe me. They said no. Sad.

Lucifer:

We were hoping they’d make an exception. In the grand plan, there is only Heaven and Hell, but we never planned for… whatever you are. Or where to put you.

Trump:

Well, we are looking into the legality of that very strongly. My lawyers are the best lawyers, not like that loser Cohen. They say the jurisdiction here is very weak. Very shaky.

Lucifer (dryly):

Yes, the Big Guy mentioned something about… “eternal noise complaints.”

Trump:

Fake complaints! Invented by the Radical Left democrats. Many angels came to me, strong angels, big angels, tears in their eyes, saying, “Sir, please save Heaven. It’s gone to hell.” Their words, not mine.

Lucifer (looking at his clipboard):

Speaking of “gone to hell,” I see your business record got there first. Six bankruptcies? Trump Steel, Trump University, the casinos… frankly, the accounting is a nightmare.

Trump:

It’s called Chapter 11. It’s very smart. I used the laws of the land to build a massive empire. Most people don’t have the brainpower to do it. You see this lake? Lava very underutilized. Have you ever thought of resorting? “Hell International.” I’d put my name on it in big, beautiful gold letters. Class the place up.

Lucifer:

We prefer it… as is.

Trump:

You need branding. Nobody does branding like me. That “eternal damnation” thing is negative. A total loser vibe. We make it the “Forever Experience.” People love forever. And Iran? I would’ve had a deal with Iran in twenty-four hours. I would’ve walked in, looked at the Ayatollah, and said, “No more nukes, or you get the fire.” Now they’re over here, probably in a better pit than me. Very unfair to the Jews, what’s happening. I was Israel’s best friend. Nobody did more. And yet, I get the lake of fire? Low ratings for God. Very low.

Lucifer:

I assure you, the “fire” here is non-partisan.

Trump (pointing):

And these pits have very small crowds. I had the biggest crowds in the history of politics. Historic crowds. Even the J6 crowds were bigger than this. You’re gonna need a bigger pit for me. You’re losing “customers” because the infrastructure is failing. It’s a disgrace.

Lucifer:

We anticipated that. You’ll be in Pit 47.

Trump (smirking):

Forty-seven. I like that number. Very strong number. Some people are saying it’s my best number. Maybe the greatest number in history. The lighting isn’t very good, though. A little too “red.” Maybe add some gold trim and some mirrors?

Lucifer:

It’s also the number of souls who requested immediate transfers to the Void just to avoid you. There will be no redesigns. I have spent eons perfecting damnation. I don’t need a “consultant” who couldn’t sell vodka to Russians.

Trump:

They’re jealous. You’re jealous. Everyone says, “Donald, how do you do it?” It happens all the time. I’m a ratings machine. Even down here, the numbers are going through the roof.

Lucifer:

Actually, when given the choice, most souls preferred the traditional pitchforks or being slowly dissolved in acid over listening to your speech about the 2020 election.

Trump:

Fire, I understand. I know heat. I bring heat. Political heat. Media heat. Tremendous heat. I stopped wars. I could stop the war in Ukraine in one day. I’d tell Putin, “Listen, Vladimir, we’ve got a problem,” and he’d listen. He respects me. He doesn’t respect you.

Lucifer (checking clipboard):

Your punishment is quite simple, Donald. No deals. No followers. No Truth Social. No audience. They begged to stay away from you.

Trump (blinks):

What do you mean, no audience? Who’s going to hear the truth?

Lucifer:

You will speak continuously… to absolutely no one.

Trump (laughs):

That’s fine. I don’t need people. I have the best words. I’ll have a rally for the rocks. The rocks will love me.

Lucifer:

Yes. You’ll have all the words. Every single one of them. Forever.

Trump (already talking):

Many people are saying, the best words, incredible words, nobody’s ever seen words like these, it’s a total witch hunt, a demonic witch hunt, very nasty…

Lucifer (turning to leave):

And for the first time in eternity… Hell will be silent everywhere else.

Ending Scene

Lucifer walking away, talking to himself, “I have to make a call, I have to get out of here. I can’t be here for eternity with this ass hat; he is the real devil. I will call GOD in the morning.”