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Satire

Fox News 5/18/20026 Mike Johnson

“Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, R-La., offers a prayer at the ‘Rededicate 250’ event on the National Mall, advocating for renewed faith and patriotism for Americans, on ‘Fox Report.’ “

Fox News, naturally, treated the moment as if Moses had just come down from Mount Sinai carrying polling data and a MyPillow sponsorship.

There stood Speaker of the House Mike Johnson on the National Mall, declaring America needed a “renewed faith and patriotism,” while cable news hosts nodded solemnly as if the Founding Fathers themselves had endorsed the segment between commercials for gold coins and reverse mortgages.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, the Founding Fathers have returned.

And they are deeply annoyed.

A strange fog rolls across Washington. Lightning cracks over the monuments. Five translucent figures emerge wearing powdered wigs and expressions usually reserved for tax collectors and bad tavern music.

George Washington steps forward first, staring at the giant Fox News banner in horror.

“Good God,” Washington mutters. “We fought the British Empire for this? A 24-hour panic machine with graphics?”

Benjamin Franklin squints at a television screen.

“Is that news,” Franklin asks, “or theater for people frightened by oat milk?”

A Fox anchor confidently announces that America was founded as a “strictly Christian nation.”

At this point Thomas Jefferson nearly walks back into the grave voluntarily.

Jefferson removes a small razor from his coat pocket.

“I literally edited miracles out of the Bible,” he says. “I made my own version because I thought most clergy sounded ridiculous. How in heaven’s name did I become your mascot?”

He gestures toward Johnson.

“And this gentleman appears to believe we wrote the Constitution immediately after concluding Bible study.”

John Adams adjusts his spectacles.

“My dear man,” Adams says to Johnson, “we specifically prohibited religious tests for office because we had already seen what happens when politicians start claiming God personally endorses their legislation. It ends with somebody being burned, imprisoned, or forced to listen to very long sermons.”

Franklin nods.

“Usually all three.”

Meanwhile, Alexander Hamilton is less interested in theology and more offended by the production quality.

“You turned patriotism into a television brand?” Hamilton asks. “Where are the debates? The philosophy? The economic arguments? Why is everyone shouting?”

A producer proudly explains that this improves ratings.

Hamilton pauses.

“So the republic now survives by emotionally agitating retirees between advertisements for cholesterol medication?”

“Correct,” replies the producer.

Hamilton looks physically ill.

Washington finally turns toward Johnson.

“Sir,” he says carefully, “throughout my writings, I referred mostly to Providence because I deliberately avoided sectarian language. We were creating a republic broad enough for many beliefs. We did not cross freezing rivers so future politicians could cosplay as Old Testament prophets at media events.”

Jefferson jumps back in immediately.

“And for the record,” he says, “the phrase ‘separation of church and state’ was not decorative.”

Fox News cuts to a commercial before he can continue.

When coverage resumes, the panel explains that the founders were “deeply evangelical men.”

At this point, all five founders begin yelling simultaneously. Heads are about to explode.

Adams: “I was a Unitarian!”

Jefferson: “I rejected the Trinity!”

Franklin: “I doubted the divinity of Jesus!”

Washington: “I barely discussed communion!”

Hamilton: “I’m honestly just upset nobody reads anymore!” We should have a dual, this time it will go better.

The anchors stare blankly before returning to a segment titled:

“Was Ancient Rome Woke?”

Franklin sighs heavily.

“You know,” he says, “the British suddenly seem reasonable.”

The ghosts disappear shortly afterward, though witnesses claim Jefferson was heard one final time muttering:

“We said freedom OF religion, not mandatory public relations FOR religion.”

And somewhere in the distance, the Constitution quietly wept.