Reading Time: 3 minutes

Charlie Brown walks into the local pharmacy. He needs a little protection, as they say, because he has a big night planned. He and Lucy have finally decided to do the deed. After a full lap around the store pretending to browse shampoo and antacids, Charlie is stumped, so he cautiously approaches the counter and discreetly asks, “Excuse me, but where is the protection?”

Kramer, a bit confused and considerably louder than necessary, blurts out, “Ahhh, you mean the rubbers! Raincoats! Prophylactic squeeze!”

Even Nana in aisle three hears him and immediately fires off the stink eye.

Charlie winces. “Yes, thanks. Can we be a bit more subdued?”

Kramer nods knowingly. “Right, right, of course. We got the goods, but there’s been a slight manufacturing issue.”

Charlie freezes. “What kind of issue?”

“Well,” Kramer says casually, “a little sand got into the mix, so some customers are finding them a bit scratchy. Literally.”

Charlie stares at him. “What do you mean scratchy?”

Kramer pulls a box from beneath the counter. “Well, you can still buy them, and if they’re not to your satisfaction, you can always bring them back with the receipt for a refund.”

Charlie nearly chokes. “What?! You knowingly sell defective condoms and your solution is for me to return the evidence bag afterward? Are you insane?”

Kramer shrugs. “Retail is all about customer satisfaction.”

Charlie rubs his temples. “No. Retail is about not exfoliating your genitals.”

Kramer leans forward conspiratorially. “Perhaps you’d be interested in our custom line.”

Charlie blinks. “Custom?”

“Oh yeah,” Kramer says proudly. “Premium product. We do them out back.”

“Out back? Why out back?”

“Privacy. Dignity. Science.”

Charlie narrows his eyes. “Is it more expensive?”

“Nope. Same price. We’re trying to grow the brand.”

Charlie sighs. “Fine. What’s it called?”

Kramer smiles like a man unveiling the future.

“The Bladder System.”

Charlie pauses. “That is maybe the worst product name I’ve ever heard.”

Kramer points finger guns at him. “Memorable though.” We are creating a buzz.

Charlie exhales heavily. “Fine. I’ll take a box.”

Kramer laughs. “A box? Easy there, tiger. First you gotta get fitted.”

Charlie recoils. “Fitted? What the hell are you talking about?”

“These are custom protection slip-ons,” Kramer explains. “You strip down, we take a few measurements, build a mold, couple hours later you’ve got yourself a handcrafted masterpiece.”

Charlie’s eyes widen. “You want to measure me? That is perverse. I’m out.”

Kramer raises both hands. “Whoa, whoa. These are the finest products on the market. You will experience sensual delight one scarcely dares to dream of.”

Charlie slowly backs away.

Kramer continues, now fully committed to the sales pitch. “Besides, it’s no different than getting fitted for pants. Little inseam magic and suddenly you’re gliding like the Wright brothers.”

Charlie stares at Kramer in disbelief. “You’re telling me I need a tailor for condoms?”

Kramer nods proudly. “Exactly! Off-the-rack protection is for amateurs. This is precision engineering. NASA didn’t put a man on the moon with guesswork.” After all Lucy wants that football!

Charlie backs up another step. “I just wanted a normal box!”

Kramer leans over the counter and lowers his voice for the first time all night.

“Charlie… intimacy is like jazz. Timing, movement, confidence. You don’t show up with bargain-bin rain gear and expect a standing ovation.”

At that exact moment Lucy walks into the pharmacy.

“There you are, Chuck! Did you get the condoms?”

The entire store goes silent.

Kramer immediately points at Charlie like a game show host.

“Not yet! We’re discussing the deluxe Bladder System. Full custom fit. Revolutionary comfort.”

Lucy slowly folds her arms. “Charles Brown… why is this man talking about your measurements?”

Charlie turns crimson. “I don’t know! I asked for protection and now apparently I’m getting fitted like drapes!”

Kramer shrugs. “A proper inseam changes lives.”

Lucy grabs Charlie by the sleeve. “We are leaving.”

As they head toward the door, Kramer yells after them:

“You’re walking away from the future, Brown! The future!”

Charlie sighs deeply.

“Every time I try to be an adult, it turns into a hostage situation.”

Maybe peppermint patty and pigpen are onto something.