Naturally, to start my little bit of satire, I need to quote Elaine from Seinfeld: “Can you spare a square?” Seinfeld may say it is a show about nothing, but almost every life event is covered in this series.

Why do they call it a restroom? I have never gone to a restroom to REST. I almost passed out a few times. Typically, we like to make it a quick trip, but there are times that require some heavy lifting, a kind of struggle, but never a rest. At best, it’s a pit stop. At worst, it’s a full-blown endurance event. Nobody walks in thinking, “Ah, yes, time to relax and reflect.” No, you’re in there making life decisions. “Was that third coffee a mistake?” These are not restful moments.

Also, what do women do in there? They always go in pairs. What is discussed? World events? A quick breakdown of the evening? Are there minutes being taken? Maybe the food is the reason why you are in there, and now it’s a full debrief. Men never do this; in fact, the protocol is alternate stalls. We are so particular about this; we will hold it until that materializes. You’ll see a guy standing there, pretending to check his phone, fighting for his life, just waiting for proper spacing. No eye contact, no conversation, no acknowledgment that other humans exist. It’s like a silent agreement: we’re all in this together… separately.

Finally, don’t be Poppy and a little Sloppy – WASH YOUR HANDS