A Fictional Press Briefing from the White House
White House Press Briefing Room — Late Afternoon
The air smells faintly of disinfectant and burnt coffee. The press corps is packed in shoulder-to-shoulder, knees touching, dignity optional.
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt steps to the podium, eyes forward, smile tight.
“Good afternoon. Before we begin, I’d like to remind everyone that today’s briefing reflects the strongest economy, the most respected presidency, and the greatest use of microphones in American history.
The President has had an extraordinary day—truly extraordinary—and will deliver brief remarks before taking a limited number of questions from serious journalists.”
She pauses, glances at the room.
“Please keep questions concise, respectful, and reality-adjacent.”
Donald J. Trump enters to applause that sounds like he learned how to clap from television.
He points at the crowd.
“Wow. Look at this. Beautiful room. Packed. They don’t show this on the fake news, but it’s packed.
I have the best words. Everybody knows that. People come up to me—very smart people, tears in their eyes—and they say, ‘Sir, your words are incredible.’
I’m a very stable genius. Very stable. Tremendous brain.”
He taps his head.
“Great brain.”
He nods, satisfied with himself.
“We’ve secured $18 trillion in investment. That’s more money than anybody’s ever seen. Ever.
And the economy—people are saying it’s the best economy God ever created.”
He gestures vaguely upward.
“Okay. Let’s do some questions. Be nice.”
Questions
Ticklefeathers, The Daily Tip, a man whose tie is too short and whose curiosity is longer than his career, raises his hand.
Ticklefeathers:
“Mr. President, Americans say they’re struggling with affordability—housing, food, healthcare—”
Trump cuts him off.
“Affordability. There it is. That word. They love that word.
It’s kind of a dirty word, if you want to know the truth. A con job.
I don’t have affordability problems. I’m really rich.”
A few reporters scribble. One stops writing entirely.
“Gas is coming down. Interest rates should follow. They should.
And if they don’t? We’ll see what happens.”
He smiles without warmth.
Hung, Capital Financial Ledger, sweating slightly under studio lights, leans forward.
Hung:
“Sir, what about job displacement from AI and automation? Critics say technology may replace workers permanently.”
Trump squints, as if trying to remember whether he invented AI.
“AI is big. Very powerful. Very sexy technology.
A lot of people don’t understand it. I understand it. I know more about AI than the people who built it.”
Someone coughs.
“Jobs come and go. That’s capitalism. You win, or you don’t.
I alone can fix it.”
He pauses, enjoying the silence.
“And if some jobs go away? We’ll create new ones. Great jobs. Jobs you wouldn’t even believe.”
Tightbottoms, National Public Record, perched stiffly, clears his throat.
Tightbottoms:
“Mr. President, do corporations have any ethical responsibility when technology displaces workers, or is that the role of government?”
Trump laughs.
“Ethics?
I’m the least unethical person you’ve ever interviewed. Ever.
Corporations exist to make money. I love money. Not because I need it—because I like to keep score.”
He leans into the microphone.
“Deals are my art form. People say Picasso had paintings—I have deals.”
A reporter shifts uncomfortably.
“And if the world goes to hell in a handbasket? I won’t lose a penny.”
Follow-ups (Unscheduled)
Ticklefeathers:
“Sir, critics say your statements often contradict documented facts—”
“Fake news.”
Hung:
“What about exaggerations in reported investment figures—”
“Truthful hyperbole.” See big word, it’s like two words: hype and bole
Tightbottoms:
“Should Americans expect structural economic change—”
“Bigly.”
Trump looks around the room, satisfied, as if he’s completed a ritual.
Closing Remarks
“Look, folks, we’re winning. The wall got ten feet higher. The Gulf of America—beautiful name.
And remember, despite the constant negative press—covfefe.”
He exits. The door shuts. The room exhales.
Karoline Leavitt returns to the podium.
“That concludes today’s briefing. Thank you for your professionalism.”
No one laughs. The cameras click off. Notes are compared. Nothing is resolved.
Whisper start, what’s that smell?
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