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Celebrating the moments that never appear on the scoresheet.

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A Brief Disclaimer

The following awards are presented in the finest traditions of football banter.

No players were harmed in the making of these awards.

Several made miraculous recoveries in under four seconds.

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🏆 Best Dive Award

Neymar – Brazil

There are more than enough contenders for this award. Based on 48 teams this year, the list would be at least 480 contenders. However in fairness and the fact Neymar has retired from the national team and being arguably the best flopper in the world, taken to a complete art form, we have decided that, flopping, diving, sailing through the air in agony even with minimal activity the award will go to him out of respect and it will now be the Neymar dive award. The skill has been perfected to an art form that no matter the effort by any other player would still fall short of this level of craftsmanship.

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🏆 Best Appeal to the Referee Award

Balogun – USA

We know the USA has not ventured much into World Cup competition over the years. They have made a few appearances with marginal success. However, the level of begging and pleading for an actual red card that anyone could see brought the complaints straight to a World Cup level of gripes. It was so bad that even the very knowledgeable USA fans chimed in that he did not mean it. Even the Cheeto chimed in that it was ‘Very Unfair.’ Welcome to the show, Folarin. I mean, after all, if you can get a president of the United States to do the begging for you, well, that is impressive.

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🏆 Most Protected and Coddled

Messi – Argentina

Does anything more really need to be said about this special privilege? Some of the FALTAs committed by his royal highness were at the same level as, or worse than, the FALTA committed by the Balogun of the US, and not a flag could be seen. Even the flags on the flag pole stopped fluttering. Of course, that non-call led to three goals by the favored son, and the chants of GOAT could be heard above the Boos. Even his nana had a smirk.

🧺 The Yogi Bear Picnic Basket Award

Shared by Every Medical Team

In a shocking turn of events, the injured player (Neymar) ironically entered the tournament injured, and, by default, the medical staff of all 48 teams rushed to assist him. He was hurt lifting his lifetime achievement award for diving. This was not even during a game; it was practice.

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🏆 Best Innocent Face

Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal and Kylian Mbappé of France

What two pretty boys could possibly replace this duo? They are so convincing even the pope was seen slamming down his rosary beads.

Ronaldo does not just look innocent; he looks personally offended that physics allowed him to fall. He gives the referee a look of pure, tearful betrayal, as if the official just told him his hair looks flat.

Mbappé combines the innocent face with the ‘Who, me?’ shrug, looking like a teenager who was just caught holding a baseball bat next to a shattered living room window. He looks completely baffled that foul language and a tactical trip aren’t allowed in the rules.

When these two do it, it’s not a protest; it’s an audition for a soap opera. They look less like athletes caught in the act of fouling and more like Victorian orphans wrongly accused of stealing a loaf of bread.

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🏆 Worst Shirt Award

This goes to Croatia. This shirt makes you look like you should be at a table in a cheap Italian restaurant from The Godfather. Somebody should make them an offer they can’t refuse and change the shirt design.

You look at Croatia on the pitch, and you don’t know whether to cheer for a goal or order a basket of garlic knots and a bottle of house red. It’s a kit that screams ‘Check, please.’

🏆 The Laughing Hockey Award

Because nothing says silly like flopping, diving, and coming back from a near-death experience with 2 trainers, a stretcher, and a picnic basket on the field for a hangnail to a hockey player that may not even miss a shift after taking a puck to the face, losing 5 teeth.