Nobody really knows what the first day in the Garden of Eden was like.
The Bible gives us the basic outline, but it leaves out many everyday details.
For example, nobody mentions that Eve had no problem being naked, Adam had no idea what he was doing, and Satan was already bored with his job.
God, meanwhile, had a whole Bible to get through, and these two idiots were holding up production.
And this is where our story begins.
Eve was sitting beneath a tree.
She was naked, naturally. There was little point in getting dressed when only two people existed in the world, and one of them couldn’t seem to take his eyes off a rabbit.
Adam sat a few feet away, fascinated by the creature.
Eve finally looked over at him.
Eve: “Adam.”
Adam: “Yeah?”
Eve: “You’ve been staring at that rabbit for twenty minutes.”
Adam: “I’m studying it.”
Eve: “You’re studying a rabbit?”
Adam: “God told me to name all the animals.”
Eve: “You named it already.”
Adam: “I know. I’m checking my work.”
Eve sighed.
There were only two people in the entire world, and somehow she was already in a relationship with a man who needed a hobby.
Unfortunately, he already had one.
Eve: “Look at this walk. I can hop like a bunny. What do you think?”
Adam looked around.
Adam: “Stop it! You’re scaring them. I want to hold and cuddle one. Any ideas?”
Eve leaned forward slightly.
Eve: “Oh, I don’t know. Something with curves. Something warm. Something that might appreciate a little attention.”
Adam looked at her, then glanced toward a nearby tree.
Adam: “Are you talking about the melons?”
Eve closed her eyes and banged her head against a tree, startling a serpent resting on a branch.
Eve: “God help me.”
And, as it happened, God was listening.
God: “I’m beginning to think that’s going to be a full-time job.”
At that moment, a serpent slithered down from a branch.
He was long, slender, and rather pleased with himself. He had spent the morning rehearsing his lines and was confident that the fall of mankind would be a straightforward assignment.
He had underestimated Adam.
Serpent: “Good morning, Eve.”
Eve: “Who are you?”
Serpent: “The serpent. Some call me Satan.”
Adam: “Why?”
Serpent: “Because I’m the Devil.”
Adam: “What’s a devil?”
The serpent stared at him.
Serpent: “You know what? Never mind.”
He turned to Eve.
Serpent: “Now, my dear, wouldn’t you like to try something new?”
Eve looked at the snake, then at Adam, who had resumed watching the rabbit.
Eve: “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me that.”
The serpent smiled.
Serpent: “Excellent. I’ve got just the thing.”
He pointed his tail toward the forbidden tree.
Serpent: “That fruit will open your eyes. You’ll know things you’ve never known before.”
Eve looked at the tree.
Eve: “Will it make men more attentive? Will it put the giddy in Adam’s giddy-up?”
The serpent hesitated.
Serpent: “Well, I wouldn’t promise miracles. You are already hot to me.”
Eve: “Will it improve their conversational skills?”
Serpent: “Let’s not get carried away.”
Eve: “Will it make them appreciate a naked woman standing three feet away?”
The serpent looked at Adam.
Adam was now trying to determine whether the rabbit had a favorite place to sit.
Serpent: “I’m beginning to understand why God gave me this assignment. I knew He liked to prance around too much. I think this was a swing and a miss for the all mighty”
High above the garden, God leaned forward.
God: “Come on, Satan. You’ve got one job. One. Get them to eat the fruit.”
Satan: “I’m working on it. We might need something stronger to put some lead in his pencil, or civilization will never get started.”
God: “Working on it? You’ve been down there all morning.”
Satan: “The man is an idiot.”
God: “I KNOW! I MADE HIM!”
There was a pause.
God: “Although, looking back, I may have rushed that particular project.”
Satan: “The woman is willing.”
God: “Then what’s the problem?”
Satan: “She’s waiting for the man to notice her.”
God stared down at the garden.
God: “He’s looking at a rabbit? What do you want me to do? Get her a pole, put on some music, and ask her to shake her money maker?”
Satan: “Yes. But you’d think the naked thing would do the trick.”
God: “A rabbit? They’re cute. I did pretty well with that. Tell him he can have it as a pet if he moves this along.”
Satan: “Apparently, it’s fascinating. But I’m lost as to why it’s more fascinating than a naked woman. Jesus, in two thousand years, men will pay to watch women dance. He’s getting it for free!”
God rubbed his temples.
God: “Useless snake. Absolutely useless. I should have sent a decent-looking peacock.”
God paused.
God: “Actually, I like that one. A peacock. Prancing around. Very good.”
Satan: “Glad you’re enjoying yourself, Lord.”
God: “I’m trying to maintain a sense of humor. You’re making it difficult.”
Back in Paradise, Eve had decided to take matters into her own hands.
She walked over to Adam and sat beside him.
Eve: “Adam, do you find me attractive?”
Adam looked at her.
Adam: “Of course.”
Eve smiled.
Eve: “Really?”
Adam: “Yes. You’re the only woman I’ve ever seen.”
Her smile disappeared.
Eve: “That’s your argument?”
Adam: “Well, it’s a pretty strong one.”
Eve: “Adam, I’m naked.”
Adam: “I know.”
Eve: “I’m sitting right beside you.”
Adam: “I know.”
Eve: “And I’m giving you every possible indication that I would welcome a little physical affection.”
Adam nodded thoughtfully.
Adam: “You should be careful. You could catch a chill.”
Eve stood up.
Eve: “I’m going to kill him.”
A voice thundered from above.
God: “NO, YOU’RE NOT! I HAVEN’T EVEN GOT TO THE FIRST MURDER YET!”
Eve looked up.
Eve: “Well, somebody needs to do something!”
God: “I’m aware of the problem!”
Eve: “Then perhaps you could have made him a little more responsive?”
There was a long silence.
God: “That’s a fair point.”
The serpent slithered over to Eve.
Satan: “Perhaps we’re approaching this incorrectly.”
Eve: “You think?”
Satan: “Forget the man for a moment. Let’s talk about the fruit.”
He gestured toward the forbidden tree.
Satan: “God said you shouldn’t eat it. He says it’ll give you knowledge of good and evil.”
Eve: “Will it tell me why Adam thinks a rabbit is more interesting than I am?”
Satan: “It might.”
Eve: “Will it explain why I have to do all the work around here?”
Satan: “Almost certainly.”
Eve: “Will it teach me how to enjoy myself without waiting for a man to get his act together?”
The serpent paused, then winked at her.
Satan: “Now you’re asking the important questions.”
Eve picked an apple.
Adam: “I don’t like apples.”
Both Eve and the serpent turned toward him.
Eve: “Nobody asked you, Adam.”
Adam: “I was just saying.”
Satan: “Listen, you overgrown garden ornament. Take a bite.”
Adam frowned.
Adam: “Why?”
Satan: “Because it’s forbidden!”
Adam brightened.
Adam: “Oh! Why didn’t you say so?”
He took the apple and bit into it.
He chewed.
He swallowed.
He looked at Eve.
Adam: “Still don’t like apples.”
The serpent’s jaw dropped.
Satan: “You ate it?”
Adam: “You told me to.”
Satan: “I meant Eve!”
Adam: “You should have said so.”
From above came a sound somewhere between a groan and a thunderclap.
God: “OH, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!”
Satan: “Technically, he’s eaten from the tree. Maybe you should have gone with passion fruit!”
God: “Technically, you’re a snake with the strategic instincts of a damp sock! And don’t get smart with me. I invented smart!”
Eve bit the apple.
For a moment, nothing happened.
Then she looked down at herself.
Then at Adam.
Then at the serpent.
Eve: “Oh.”
Satan: “What?”
Eve: “I understand now.”
Satan: “You do?”
Eve: “Yes. We’re naked.”
Satan: “You noticed that before.”
Eve: “But now I understand that we’re naked.”
The serpent stared at her.
Satan: “That is not quite the revelation I was expecting.”
Adam looked down at himself.
Adam: “Well, that’s embarrassing.”
Eve: “What is?”
Adam: “I thought mine was bigger.”
Eve stared at him.
The serpent slowly closed his eyes.
Satan: “I’m going to need a drink. Look, I don’t think size matters, so let’s try to put yours to some good use here.”
God: “Now I’m getting the tingles, and YOU DON’T HAVE A LIVER!”
Satan: “Then perhaps I could have one of those little umbrellas in a glass. Virgin, of course.”
God: “I AM SURROUNDED BY MORONS!”
With the knowledge of good and evil came a sudden awareness of their nakedness.
Adam and Eve scrambled to cover themselves with fig leaves.
Eve tied one around herself, took three steps, and immediately pulled a face.
Eve: “These things are itchy.”
Adam: “They’re leaves.”
Eve: “Thank you, Adam. I was wondering what the botanical explanation might be.”
Adam: “Maybe they’re supposed to be like toilet paper.”
Eve slowly turned toward him.
Eve: “You want to wipe what with a fig leaf?”
Adam considered the question.
Adam: “I haven’t worked that part out yet.”
The serpent looked at the sky.
Satan: “This is what I’m working with.”
God: “Don’t blame me. I gave you a simple assignment.”
Satan: “You created them!”
God: “And I gave you a functioning brain!”
Satan: “You gave me a snake’s brain!”
God: “THEN STOP THINKING LIKE ONE!”
By now, God had lost patience.
God: “Right. That’s it. Get them out of the garden.”
Satan: “But I thought we were supposed to wait until—”
God: “I don’t care! They’re eating the wrong fruit, wearing the wrong leaves, and having the wrong conversations. I want this story moving!”
Satan: “Where should they go?”
God: “Anywhere. Somewhere with thorns, mosquitoes, hard labor, and expensive housing. Let them figure it out.”
Eve: “What about childbirth?”
God paused.
God: “Oh, yes. Add that to the list.”
Eve looked horrified.
Eve: “You can’t be serious.”
God: “I’ve got a whole population to create, Eve. We can’t keep waiting for Adam to finish studying wildlife.”
Adam raised a hand.
Adam: “What’s childbirth?”
God looked toward the heavens.
God: “I am going to need a very long weekend.”
As Adam and Eve gathered their belongings, the serpent slithered over to Satan.
Satan: “Well, we did it.”
Serpent: “Did what?”
Satan: “We tempted them. They ate the fruit. They’ve been thrown out of Paradise. Adam is a moron. I’m going to make my move.”
Serpent: “And?”
Satan: “And what?”
Serpent: “That’s the whole plan?”
Satan hesitated.
Satan: “Pretty much. I’ll get some action. Adam can play with rabbits. At least some of us will be happy.”
The serpent looked disappointed; he’d hoped to watch.
Serpent: “I was hoping for something more dramatic. A little passion. Some real temptation. Perhaps a forbidden embrace. I wanted to watch.”
Satan: “You saw the man.”
Serpent: “Fair point.”
A booming voice interrupted them.
God: “SATAN!”
Satan: “Yes, Lord?”
God: “Stop standing around talking to yourself and get moving. I’ve got Cain and Abel coming up, then Noah, then Sodom and Gomorrah. The schedule isn’t going to meet itself!”
Satan: “But, Lord, surely there’s time for a little—”
God: “NO! AND TAKE THAT USELESS SNAKE WITH YOU!”
The serpent looked offended.
Serpent: “I’m standing right here.”
God: “I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE! YOU’RE THE REASON THIS WHOLE THING TOOK ALL DAY!”
Adam and Eve walked through the garden gate. Adam carried the snake, while Satan gave him a slap on the ass and a wink.
Eve looked back once.
Eve: “You know, Adam, there was one thing I always wanted to try before we left.”
Adam brightened.
Adam: “What’s that?”
Eve leaned close and whispered in his ear.
Adam’s face lit up.
Adam: “Really?”
Eve: “Yes.”
Adam: “Can we do it now?”
Eve smiled.
Eve: “No, Adam. We have to go and find somewhere to live, learn how to farm, make clothes, and work out how to have children.”
Adam looked disappointed.
Adam: “Oh. I thought you were going to show me how to catch that rabbit.”
Eve kept walking.
Satan watched them disappear into the distance, then turned toward heaven.
Satan: “So, Lord, what’s next?”
God: “Cain and Abel. Then Noah, Sodom and Gomorrah, the plagues, and eventually the whole end-of-the-world business. Nobody knows my struggles”
Satan: “Sounds busy.”
God: “It will be. Now get moving. I have a universe to manage.”
Satan grinned.
Satan: “And what about Adam?”
God looked down at the man, who had stopped to examine a rabbit burrow.
God: “Leave him to Eve. She’s clearly the only one down there with a plan.”
He paused.
God: “And Satan?”
Satan: “Yes, Lord?”
God: “Next time I ask you to tempt somebody, try not to make it an all-day project.”
Satan: “Of course, Lord.”
Satan slithered away, muttering that nobody appreciated how hard his job was.
God returned to His desk.
He had a world to populate, a reputation to maintain, and a sinking feeling that the whole human experiment would be far more trouble than He had anticipated.
Especially the men.
He made a note to revisit that design later.
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