Setting the Scene (God and Stan)
GOD: Let’s get started. Stan, your face is really testing my divine patience already.
SATAN: Stop with “Stan.” It’s Satan, the fearsome, cosmic villain, not your local Jewish donut guy.
GOD: Slow down, Stan, fine, Satan. No Jews yet, but I’ve got a plan. Let’s stick to universe-building for now. Remember, I get all the glory.
SATAN: So what’s my part, old man? Do I just stand here and scowl?
GOD: For now, just watch. Your time may come, maybe as a talking snake with a naked woman.
SATAN: Naked woman? Is that one of your ‘creative’ ideas?
GOD: Let’s see… It’s dark, whatever that means, since I know everything literally. Still, this place is missing something.
(God snaps his fingers and the lights flicker on.)
GOD: Hmm, that’s cool. Light, dark, a whole lot of nothing. Let’s call them “Night” and “Day.” I’ll make a fireball and call it a star. When it’s on, it’s Day. When it’s off, it’s Night.
GOD: Let’s test the sun. On, off. Works. It’s like an app. Nice one, me.
GOD: Bit chilly, let’s scoot closer to the fireball. Perks of being omnipotent, Stan. Try not to envy.
SATAN: Enough! It’s SATAN. And stop flicking lights, just spin the planet: half dark, half light. Easy.
GOD: Good idea, Stan. Fine, Satan. But don’t forget I still get credit.
SATAN: Whatever. Just spin us. I want blackout—peace and quiet for once.
GOD: Okay, fine. We’ll call this Day 1.
Day 2: The Dome Phase
After a good night’s sleep, it was time to go back to work.
GOD: Wake up, Stan! I dreamed we need structure at the top and the bottom.
SATAN: You mean, like, a sky? A dome?
GOD: Jesus Christ, Stan! My job, my credit.
SATAN: Of course it’s SATAN. And who’s this “Jesus Christ”? Fine, enjoy your petty victory. But I promise, it won’t last. It never does.
GOD: Jesus Christ, later. Slipped! Trust me, it’ll be wild.
SATAN: Can we call it a day? We have light, dark, and a sky. I’m exhausted, and it’s getting dark. I really like the dark. I think I’ll call it “The Dark Side.”
Day 3: Landscaping
GOD: Wake up, Stan! It’s light; we’ve spun around again. We need something to walk on. We can’t float forever. I’m tired of your crap.
SATAN: For the last time, it’s SATAN. What’s wrong with “Land”? Has a nice ring to it. Make it, and I’ll descend. I want to lurk beneath the land. And I demand a special place mine alone.
GOD: Whatever. But “Land” is still credited to me.
SATAN: Sure, let’s go with that. Love the “Hell” concept. Get it done, I’m there.
GOD: There you go. I created some land, and there’s some water. This isn’t bad. Let’s put some plants there: trees, bushes, flowers. Not bad at all.
SATAN: I like it, but I’m off. I have this tune in my head: “Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.”
GOD: Sure. Maybe one day, that’ll be your theme song. Time to call it, it’s getting dark.
SATAN: Fine by me. You take it from here. You can have my ideas; let me know when it’s done. I’ve got plans for this playground.
Day 4: Decorating
GOD: Okay, finally some peace and quiet. Stan is off doing whatever he does. I think it’s going well; we have land, water, plants, a sky, and a sun. I need to start some organizing, maybe some decorating.
(God sits down with a coffee to mull it over.)
GOD: Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll throw in some seasons to break up the monotony: Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall. That’s it for today, it’s getting dark… oh wait, that darkness is bland. Let’s throw up some other stars and planets. That’ll spice up the night and give me something to look at.
Day 5: The Food Chain
GOD: Okay, here we are, another day. I need to wrap this up and get it moving soon. I had a few things that came to me in a dream.
GOD: Need to put some stuff down there so birds and animals can fly in the sky and walk on the earth. We’ll add two humans, maybe tomorrow. I need to think that through first. I don’t hold out much hope for them, but it’ll give me something to play with and have a few laughs.
GOD: We’ll need some bugs, too. That should do it. With the plants, animals, and bugs, we have a whole “Food Chain” to keep this going. That’s it for today. I’ll give this human thing another thought. I have a feeling I could make a real mess of my work with those two.
Day 6: The “Steve and Karen” Incident
GOD: I’m going to give this human thing a try. I’ll keep them naked. Let’s see how this goes. I hope they aren’t tempted by one of those pieces of fruit. We’ll call it an “Apple,” and the nakedness will end, and that clown we’ll call him a Man, and he’ll blame the other one, the Woman, for all time. Let’s call it my little joke to see how they deal with it.
GOD: Okay, there he is, walking around. After his nap, I’ll plunk down the woman. They need names. I think… Steve and Karen.
SATAN: Back again. Those names? Steve and Karen? Too much. Try Adam and Eve. Very biblical.
GOD: Biblical? Fine, but I get the credit!
SATAN: I named my place The Underworld. Maybe the bad folks can visit. What’s yours called?
GOD: Paradise.
GOD: That’s it, we’re done. Back to your Underworld. Tomorrow is Day 7, my rest day. Monday starts a new seven-day cycle. The game kicks off then.
Day 7: The Morning After
GOD: (Rubbing face with both hands) Day Seven. Rest. Not because I’m “satisfied” with the creation. I am tired. The whole project was a rush job. It looks like Adam already took a bite of that apple, he’s aware of where he is, and Eve is covering “the girls.”
GOD: Jesus Christ, it’s not even Monday and all hell’s breaking loose. “Hell”… I like that. A new word for the Underworld.
SATAN: I like it! “Hell.” Easy, simple, and it looks like I’ll be busy.
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