The Daily Gripe: February 8, 2026

Topic: Starbucks Coffee

I’m just your basic 62-year-old guy. When I walk into a coffee shop, I want coffee. Hot. Usually black. Sometimes—if I’m feeling reckless—cream and sugar. That’s it. I’m not trying to express myself. I’m trying to wake up.

Starbucks, however, turns this simple transaction into an oral exam. I say, “I’ll have a large coffee,” and suddenly I’m presented with a list of roughly twenty-five options, as if I’ve just asked to design my own spacecraft. Why? Are they really selling all twenty-five of these every day? I’d love to see that data—though thankfully I’m retired now, so I can just hand it to AI and let it confirm what I already suspect: most people just want caffeine.

What really gets me isn’t the question itself, but the look I get after answering it. The pause. The head tilt. The expression that says I’ve spoken an extinct language. Somewhere between “large” and “black,” I’ve apparently outed myself as a time traveler from 1987.

Look, kid—I don’t need oat foam harvested by monks or a drink that requires a diagram. I just want coffee. And while I’m still spry, let’s keep this exchange on the customer side of the counter.

Coffee & Espresso Variations

1. Brewed Coffee
2. Caffè Misto
3. Cold Brew
4. Nitro Cold Brew
5. Espresso
6. Doppio
7. Ristretto
8. Lungo
9. Americano
10. Latte
11. Cappuccino
12. Flat White
13. Cortado
14. Breve
15. Mocha
16. White Chocolate Mocha
17. Caramel Macchiato
18. Red Eye
19. Black Eye
20. Iced Coffee
21. Iced Latte
22. Iced Americano
23. Iced Mocha
24. Iced Flat White
25. Affogato (espresso over ice cream – unofficial but common)

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