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Daily Gripe: The Low-Rider Pandemic

I’m 62 years old, and I’ve seen some questionable trends in my time—mullets, bell-bottoms, and neon tracksuits, and the corduroy suit (yes, that was a thing) come to mind—but this current “sagging” situation has me genuinely concerned for the future of the human race.

I look at these young people walking down the street with their pants hanging well below their backsides, and the only question I have is: Why? What trend is this, and why does anybody think this is “cool” or—as the kids say now—”lit”? (I hate that term, by the way; “cool” has worked perfectly fine for decades, but I digress.) I will cover this at a later date.

The Logistics of the Sag

I’m not even sure how these pants stay up. If that belt tugs at the underwear just a fraction of an inch too much, you’ve suddenly gifted the world a view of a “plumber’s crack.” And let’s be honest: on a hairy guy, that looks less like a fashion statement and more like an invasion of spiders crawling out of your trousers.

The “Scientific” Trial

Now, as a man of logic and a bit of a “good scientist” myself, I figured I shouldn’t knock it until I tried it. I let my own pants slide down past the point of no return, cinched up my belt, and attempted to navigate my hallway.

It was impossible.

• I looked like a gunslinger in an old Western getting ready for a draw.
• My legs were so far apart I could have straddled a small pony.
• I had to shuffle slowly just to move an inch, looking like a penguin in distress.
• I nearly fell flat on my face—or rather, my exposed rear.

If you have to sacrifice the basic human ability to walk just to look “lit,” you haven’t found a style; you’ve found a self-imposed prison. Put on some suspenders, buy a belt that actually works, and for the love of all things holy, pull up your damn pants.