Reading Time: 8 minutes

The Exodus: A Very Tremendous Negotiation

Our story takes place in the desert just after Pharaoh’s soldiers dumped Moses into the wasteland. Moses is seen staggering through the dunes, swatting at sand fleas and cursing the heat. It’s humiliating; he doesn’t even have his traditional Brazilian Havaianas, just some cheap, Egyptian-imitation flip-flops that are giving him a blister between his “chosen” toes.

After days of struggle, he stumbles into a small oasis featuring a gold-plated, boutique Trump hotel (no permit, obviously). Moses collapses by a small body of water. Hours later, he is poked awake by a guy in a “Make the Desert Great Again” hat.

TRUMP: What brought you here? Was it those crazy Egyptians? Total losers. They sent me here, too. Low-IQ people. I just wanted to get a peek at the harem and scout a pyramid fashion show for young girls’ huge potential, and next thing I know, a camel is dragging me out of here. Total disaster. Anyway, get up. I’ll take you to see Jethro. He’s got a tent full of hotties, I guess his daughters, the seven of them? Total tens. I’m trying to get them over to my friend Epstein’s place, a great guy, best islands.

TRUMP: So look, Moe, what’s the deal? What’s your gimmick? People love a gimmick. Where are you headed with this whole… vibe?

MOSES: I am going back to Egypt. I need to free my people.

TRUMP: Your people, my people, look, I’m a people person, a very smart person. I know camels, I know pyramids, I know the best architects. Let me handle the talks. I’m the best at talks, everyone says so. Oh, look, belly dancers. Very nice. Let’s go in the morning. I’m not making progress with Jethro anyway. And those girls? A bit old, frankly. They’re like 22. Past their prime for the pageant, believe me. We’ll go to Egypt. It’ll be huge.

(Moses and Trump show up at the pyramid to meet Rameses, the Pharaoh. They are led in by guards.)

RAMESES: Hey, Moses, you’re back. You look a bit haggard. And who is the orange guy with the hat? Is he a Hittite? He’s very… Vibrant, orange? This time of year and that hat!

MOSES: Your clowns dumped me in the desert, Rameses. I’ve been wandering around for forty days! My feet are a disaster.

RAMESES: Haha, yeah, all in fun. We even gave you that solar-powered cell phone. All kinds of apps out there, you should’ve called! Seriously, though, your old job is still open. We’re building a new obelisk. It’s going to be beautiful.

TRUMP: What’s with the complexion shot? It’s sunscreen and the hat, okay? Very high SPF, the best. I have a box of these hats on the camel, and let’s drop this “solar power” crap. It’s fake, all of it. Windmills, solar, it’s a scam, Rameses. It kills the flow.

RAMESES: Moses, you’d better tell this guy to take it easy. We can’t negotiate like this. If the court scribes get wind of this, the news will run wild.

TRUMP: Fake news! Don’t go for it, Moses. Total losers, those scribes.

MOSES: Settle down, both of you. You’re killing my opening! I’ve got all kinds of diseases and plagues to dump on this guy. I’ve been practicing the “Let my people go” line for a month.

TRUMP: Look, don’t play all your cards now. You’re too eager. Give me a few minutes. Let me talk with Pharaoh. I know builders.

(Trump approaches the throne)

TRUMP: So, Rameses, what’s your name again? Rameses? Weren’t those condoms back in the day? Terrible branding. Never used them. Too tight, very restrictive. Look at these hands, Rameses. Big hands. I need room to move. Now, let’s talk about this workforce of yours. You’ve got a lot of “low-cost” labor, but the overhead is a disaster.

RAMESES: Look, what is your name? Trump? Sounds German. Kind of an anti-Semite vibe, frankly. How exactly are you going to help Moses and the Jews?

TRUMP: Listen, let’s keep the dirty talk for another time, okay? We’re here to help each other. We throw Moses a bone; he’s a simple guy, he’ll be happy with anything. Now, you’ve got this river over there. What’s it called? The Mile?

RAMESES: It is the NILE, you jackass!

TRUMP: Mile, Nile, whatever—it’s a lot of water, very wet from the standpoint of water. Let’s put a resort there. Little pyramids for the guests, a full eighteen-hole sand golf course, sand traps are already done, very cost-effective. We can even involve those displaced Palestinians. Good workers. They know how to build a wall, believe me.

RAMESES: Can you get out of here? It looks like your diaper is leaking, and you smell like a rotting camel in the midday sun.

TRUMP: Listen, you’re being very unfair. Very anti-Me or anti-Egyptian or something. It’s a nasty tone. How about we pivot? An Egyptian fashion show. We get a bunch of these young hotties strutting their money-makers down a stone runway. Big money. Great time. The best ever. I’m a builder, Rameses. I know more about pyramids than all the Pharaohs ever, believe me. I’ve seen your blueprint for low-energy.

MOSES: Okay, let’s all calm down. Trump, get over here and hold on to my staff while I chat with Rameses.

TRUMP: Staff? I have the biggest staff. I know the staff. Some people say I have the best staff in the history of staff. This stick is… It’s okay. A bit low-energy, but I’ll hold it.

(Moses approaches Rameses, who is looking over a set of papyrus blueprints.)

MOSES: Listen, you need to let my people go.

RAMESES: Moses, don’t be silly. Look at the operation we have here. We are building everywhere! This is progress. I mean, you get Sundays off, we provide the catering, and you get to work outside in the fresh air. It’s a “wellness” lifestyle, Moses.

MOSES: It is blazing hot, these robes aren’t even good Egyptian cotton, the chafing, my God, it’s brutal. It’s like wearing sandpaper.

RAMESES: You know, that’s exactly what got you the trip to the desert, the constant complaining. Honestly, the entitlement is staggering.

TRUMP: Hey, where is a McDonald’s around here? I could use a bite. Is there a franchise in the Giza district? I’m seeing a lot of sand, not enough Golden Arches.

MOSES: (Ignoring him) If you don’t let my people go, the river will turn to blood, frogs will overrun the land, and lice will infest your… “nether regions.”

TRUMP: Blood-red river? I don’t like the sound of that. Terrible for the curb appeal. Bad selling point. The little pyramids will go unrented, and I’ll be blamed. I don’t want to be the “Blood River” guy. It’s a disaster.

RAMESES: Does this guy ever shut up? Look, Moses, do what you want with your personal time, but the people stay. And the Sphinx isn’t going to build its own nose.

(Moses heads home to see his mom, bringing Trump along for the night.)

MOSES: Look, Mom, we’re going to hit up Rameses again tomorrow. We have a whole ton of well, let’s call it “divine intervention” coming down on them tonight.

MOM: Who is this guy with you? He smells… interesting… and he is very orange. Is this some kind of insult to our people?

TRUMP: Hold on, Mama. I like the feistiness. Very high energy. Why don’t you cook up some of that Jewish bread? Maybe we can snuggle up together later and see how that old motor runs.

MOSES: Donald, for the love of everything, would you shut up?

MOM: (Wielding a wooden spoon at Trump) Where did you find this guy?

MOSES: It’s a long story, but he said he is a “great deal maker.”

MOM: If you leave the negotiations to him, we are screwed. We will need leverage over him someday. Get a picture of him out there mounting that camel.

It is a new day. Moses and Trump return to the Pharaoh’s court.

MOSES: So, Rameses… are you ready to let my people go?

RAMESES: Is that all you’ve got from this “all-powerful” God of yours? Jesus, that is pathetic.

MOSES: Jesus? He’ll be doing the same dance with the Romans in two thousand years. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’d personally like to avoid being crucified, so let’s keep it civil.

RAMESES: Look, the flies are a nuisance, I’ll agree. But we’ve got a bunch of Jewish kids out there killing them, so it’s basically a youth employment program. As for the dead livestock? The goat is a bit tough, but if you’re hungry, it’ll do. Now, the boils… that’s just mean. Is that due to the chafing from the cheap robes? And the hail? Honestly, that was fun. Watching people dodge those things was the most entertaining thing I’ve had in years.

Last day of negotiations.

MOSES: Okay, have it your way. I’ve got some staff coming your way. There is no “out” this time. You will bow to my God.

RAMESES: Stop it, you’re looking silly. All these little tricks are nothing. Look over there, the Sphinx looks great. Your friend is currently trying to mount a goat for some reason… why don’t you just knock it off so we can get back on good terms and have lunch?

MOSES: Locusts will descend on this place. It will be dark for three days. And your firstborn… he will die.

RAMESES: Alright, now you’re actually pissing me off. The grasshoppers or “locusts,” as you call them, they’ll come, sure, but there’s nothing here but sand. They’ll just die off. Three days of darkness? We could all use a break! The heat is brutal; a little “lights out” sounds like a vacation. As for my firstborn? Don’t even try it. We just got his head nicely shaved with a cool ponytail, and he just made the JV camel jockey team. He’s really fitting in.

Night descends, and three days pass.

(Moses leads the way back to the palace. The scene is a disaster: there is locust waste everywhere, the silence is deafening, and the Pharaoh’s son is dead.)

RAMESES: (Holding a damp cloth to his forehead) Fine. Just go. Take your people, take the orange guy, and get out before the frogs start coming back. I’ve got a funeral to plan and a pyramid to finish. You’re a nightmare, Moses. A total PR nightmare.

MOSES: (Raising his staff) Finally. Pack your bags, everyone! We’re heading for the sea!

TRUMP: The sea? I love the sea. Prime waterfront property. I’m telling you, Moe, we’re going to build something tremendous. Mar-a-Lago East. It’ll be the biggest thing the desert has ever seen.

(They reach the edge of the Red Sea. Pharaoh’s army is visible on the horizon, closing in fast.)

MOSES: (Panicked) Oh no. We’re trapped. Look at the chariots! Rameses changed his mind. We’re sitting ducks!

TRUMP: (Looking at the water) Moe, look at this drainage issue. Terrible infrastructure. You can’t build a resort on a swamp. We need a bridge. A big, beautiful bridge. Or better yet, we just drain the pond. I’m very good at draining ponds, believe me. I’ve drained the best ponds.

MOSES: (Shouting to the sky) God, if you’re listening, now would be a really good time for Day 2 logic! I need a top and a bottom! I need a path!

(Moses slams his staff into the sand. The water begins to churn and roar, pulling back into two massive walls of liquid.)

TRUMP: (Eyes wide) Holy… look at that. That is a hell of a renovation. Moe, did you see the clearance? You could fit a fleet of gold-plated chariots through there. And look at the soil! Very rich. Very firm. We could put a subterranean casino right in the middle. We’ll call it “The Abyss.” It’s catchy. It’s mysterious. As far as the top or bottom crack I’m good either way.

MOSES: Move! Everyone move! Before the walls come down!

TRUMP: (Walking through the mud, pointing at the fish stuck in the walls) Look at these guys. Total losers. Stuck in the wall. I like fish that weren’t captured by the tide, okay? And hey, check the lighting in here, it’s very dramatic. I’m going to need a selfie for the “BeingDonald” Promo. This is going to get so many clicks. The Pharaoh’s army? They don’t have the ratings for this. They’re finished. Hey, wait, get me out of here.

RAMESES: (Watching from the shore as the sea swallows his army) Jesus Christ…

GOD: (Echoing from the clouds) I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE A BLAST! The Jews are out; they can take it from here and find a place to settle. That Trump guy, I’ve had enough of him.