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Live from the Trump Presidential Library, Resort, Casino, Golf Experience, Family Buffet, and Tax Deduction Center

Welcome to another episode of Presidential Perspectives, where we attempt serious discussions with people who have no intention of having them.

Today’s guests are former President Richard Nixon and former President Donald Trump.

Our moderator is veteran journalist Timmy Ticklefeathers, who assured this would be a thoughtful exchange of ideas.

Timmy would later sue management.

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China, Diplomacy, and Why the World Is Complicated

Timmy Ticklefeathers: President Nixon, let’s begin with China.

Nixon: Thank you, Timmy. Opening relations with China was one of the most important diplomatic efforts of my presidency. We reduced tensions, expanded trade, and built communication with a nation representing nearly a quarter of humanity. Diplomacy isn’t about liking everyone. It’s about preventing conflict.

Trump: Terrible deal.

Nixon: It wasn’t a deal.

Trump: Everything is a deal.

Nixon: No, some things are diplomacy.

Trump: Same thing, except diplomacy doesn’t have enough gold lettering.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Mr. Nixon, would diplomacy still matter today?

Nixon: Of course. Look at Ukraine. Look at Iran. Look at the Strait of Hormuz. Look at China and Taiwan. The world is full of situations where a careless statement can create serious consequences. Stability matters. Relationships matter. Sometimes talking prevents wars.

Trump: Wars are expensive.

Nixon: That’s one reason to avoid them.

Trump: No, no. You’re thinking too small. We should sponsor them.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Sponsor wars?

Trump: “The Strait of Hormuz brought to you by McDonald’s.”

Nixon: Good God.

Trump: We put logos on everything. Missiles, ships, diplomats.

Nixon: Diplomacy is not advertising.

Trump: That’s exactly why diplomacy isn’t making enough money.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: I already regret this topic.

Trump: Look! Squirrel!

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s a lamp.

Trump: Very suspicious lamp.

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The Environment

Timmy Ticklefeathers: President Nixon, you created the EPA.

Nixon: Yes. Despite what some people believe, clean air and clean water are not radical concepts. We all live here. Businesses need sensible rules, but Americans also deserve rivers that don’t catch fire.

Trump: Regulations are boring.

Nixon: Pollution is worse.

Trump: Easy solution. Giant air cleaners.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Giant air cleaners?

Trump: Huge. The biggest air cleaners anyone has ever seen.

Nixon: You’re proposing we pollute the air and then buy machines to clean it?

Trump: Exactly.

Nixon: That’s idiotic.

Trump: Funny you should mention that. I recently awarded a contract for giant air cleaners.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: To whom?

Trump: Doesn’t matter.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Do you own stock in the company?

Trump: A tremendous amount. Total coincidence.

Nixon: I was paranoid and secretly recorded my enemies. I even think that’s corrupt.

Trump: We can make the air cleaners gold.

Nixon: Gold doesn’t clean air.

Trump: It improves morale.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s not how science works.

Trump: Nobody knows more about air than me.

Nixon: Air?

Trump: Air. Maybe oxygen too.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: I miss the lamp.

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OSHA and Workplace Safety

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Let’s discuss workplace safety.

Nixon: OSHA was created because workers deserve to return home with the same number of limbs they had when they arrived. It’s not anti-business. It’s common sense.

Trump: Safety is overrated.

Nixon: What?

Trump: More risk. More reward.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s not how workplace injuries work.

Trump: If someone gets hurt, we give them a commemorative tote bag.

Nixon: That’s not compensation.

At that moment, a ladder behind the stage collapses.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Was that supposed to happen?

Trump: The ladder was exercising freedom.

Nixon: Ladders don’t have freedom.

A shower of sparks erupts backstage.

Producer: Small electrical issue.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s an actual fire.

Trump: Tiny fire.

Nixon: This building is literally proving my argument.

Trump: Positive thinking prevents accidents.

Nixon: Positive thinking does not prevent electrocution.

A ceiling tile crashes to the floor.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: The building is falling apart.

Trump: Growth.

Nixon: I participated in Watergate, and even I know this is a bad idea.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Richard Nixon has become the responsible adult in the room. That’s where we are now.

Trump: Another squirrel.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: There is no squirrel.

A squirrel runs across the stage.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Fine. One squirrel.

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Voting Rights and Age Limits

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Final topic. Voting rights.

Nixon: I supported lowering the voting age to eighteen. If a young American can be drafted to fight for their country, they deserve the right to vote.

Trump: Huge mistake.

Nixon: Why?

Trump: Young people ask questions.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s generally encouraged in a democracy.

Trump: Not always.

Nixon: Democracy literally depends on participation.

Trump: I have a better system.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Naturally.

Trump: People over thirty-five get one vote.

People over fifty get two votes.

Golf course owners get five votes.

People who own Trump merchandise get six.

Nixon: That’s absurd.

Trump: Wait until you hear about the premium package.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: There’s a premium package?

Trump: Twelve easy payments.

Nixon: Democracy should not have a subscription service.

Trump: Squirrels can vote too.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Why squirrels?

Trump: They don’t argue on social media.

The squirrel climbs onto Nixon’s podium and steals his notes.

Nixon: Those are classified.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Why are your interview notes classified?

Nixon: Force of habit.

The lights flicker.

The alarm starts ringing.

A second ladder falls.

Somewhere backstage, someone yells, “Call OSHA!”

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s it.

Timmy climbs the OSHA-violating ladder.

Nixon: What are you doing?

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Ending my career.

He jumps dramatically.

Unfortunately, the ladder is only four feet high.

Timmy lands on a pile of promotional tote bags.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Ow.

Trump: Good news. You qualify for our Workplace Injury Appreciation Package.

An assistant hands Timmy a T-shirt.

It reads:

I SURVIVED THE INTERVIEW, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY SHIRT

Nixon: You know, I resigned from the presidency in disgrace.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: Yes.

Nixon: Somehow, this has still been the low point of my career.

The squirrel climbs onto Nixon’s shoulder.

A producer runs onto the stage.

Producer: OSHA is suing us.

Another producer runs in.

Producer #2: The squirrel now owns a controlling interest in the company.

Trump: Smart squirrel.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: End the show.

Trump: Before we do, does anybody know where the nearest McDonald’s is?

The squirrel points toward the exit.

Trump: See? Leadership.

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Closing Remarks

The studio suffered extensive damage.

Three lawsuits were filed.

Several regulations were rediscovered.

One moderator reconsidered his career.

A squirrel acquired controlling interest in the company and was elected studio manager.

For the first time all day, things began running smoothly.

Nixon: I knew agreeing to this interview was a bigger mistake than Watergate.

Timmy Ticklefeathers: That’s saying something.

Nixon: Not really.

The squirrel flashes the V-sign.

Fade to black.