Reading Time: 4 minutes

American Management Has Improved Soccer: 7 Ridiculous New Rules

Like any good manager, and like any good American company that buys a product, we have decided that the product needs improvement. We will make it better.

We know FIFA is selling the United States soccer, or as the rest of the world knows it, football. And since we Americans have purchased it, we feel it is only appropriate that we bring in a highly paid management consulting group to make the game more efficient, increase productivity, improve audience engagement, and, most importantly, increase shareholder value.

After Zoom and WhatsApp meetings, PowerPoint presentations, focus groups, and several very expensive lunches, the consultants have identified several areas that clearly need improvement.

These are, of course, management decisions. None of these consultants have played sports or, for that matter, have ever actually watched a soccer game.

These changes will be implemented immediately.

Rule One: AI Will Referee the Game

All officiating will now be performed by AI drones hovering around the field, flying over the players, monitoring the sidelines, and generally getting in everyone’s way.

There will be no referee.

AI will make every call live.

This will dramatically improve the flow of the game by eliminating unnecessary human judgment and those annoying VAR delays where everyone has to stand around for five minutes while somebody in a room somewhere watches the same replay 47 times.

The moment an infraction is detected, an AI agent will blow the whistle and play will stop.

A robot will immediately run onto the field, retrieve the ball, move the players into the correct positions, and restart play.

If the AI makes a mistake, it will automatically blame a software update.

Of course, we will measure our metrics, install the latest updates, and use a continuous delivery system.

Rule Two: Offsides Will Be Eliminated Through Negative Reinforcement

All players will be fitted with small sensors in their shirts, shorts, and socks.

Whenever AI detects an offsides violation, the player will receive a small electrical shock causing a momentary spasm.

The ball will immediately go to the other team, and the player may resume play once the shock wears off.

We believe this form of negative behavioral conditioning will eventually eliminate offsides completely.

If it doesn’t, we will increase the voltage.

This is called continuous improvement.

The Japanese Kaizen system will be merged with our Black Belt Agile methodologies. Multiple infractions that cause shocks over two consecutive games will require the player to attend training on how to play in a way that is non-aggressive and non-confrontational.

Rule Three: Hydration Without Stopping the Game

The cooling water break will be eliminated because stopping the game is inefficient and does not maximize audience engagement.

However, we don’t want the players becoming dehydrated, so each player will wear a small hat with two water bottles attached to straws extending directly into their mouths.

Players will be able to hydrate while running.

This will also provide an additional revenue opportunity because the water bottles will be branded.

Rule Four: The Penalty Kick Has Been Reimagined

The traditional penalty kick is no longer acceptable.

One guy kicking a ball at another guy standing there defenseless and relying primarily on guessing does not meet our new excitement standards.

Therefore, when a penalty is awarded, the ball will be placed exactly halfway between the kicker and the goalkeeper.

At the sound of the whistle, both players will sprint toward the ball.

They may kick the ball, tackle each other, wrestle for possession, or do whatever is necessary until a goal is scored.

Our consultants believe this will increase excitement by approximately 400 percent.

We have no idea where the 400 percent came from, but it looks impressive on a PowerPoint slide.

Senior management likes pie charts, and that usually drives a break for lunch.

Rule Five: Diving Will No Longer Be Tolerated

We have also identified diving and fake injuries as a major productivity problem.

When the AI detects that a player has exaggerated contact, pretended to be injured, or suddenly discovered that gravity exists, an enhanced electrical shock will be delivered to the player.

The player will then be immobilized.

Two robots will glide onto the field, secure the player, and leave him on the field as an obstacle.

Our surveys indicate that people would enjoy this.

He will remain there until the game ends.

His team will play shorthanded.

We believe this will dramatically reduce diving.

Rule Six: We Need More Scoring

Our consultants have determined that soccer has a serious revenue problem because sometimes people watch for 90 minutes and nobody scores.

This is unacceptable.

Beginning next season, every shot that hits the goalpost will count as half a goal.

A shot that hits both posts will count as a full goal.

A shot that hits the crossbar will count as a bonus point.

This will allow us to introduce a new statistical category called Expected Revenue Per Shot.

Players will also be allowed to call their shot just before a kick. If they are correct, it will count as two points.

Rule Seven: Commercial Breaks and Corporate Accountability

Finally, we have addressed the biggest problem of all.

There are far too few opportunities to show advertisements.

Players on the sidelines will hold flags for the advertisers, and the biggest advertiser will get the biggest flag.

When a goal is scored, the team will celebrate by running to the sidelines and putting on a sponsor’s shirt.

Finally, any contesting of a call or protest will be taken under advisement and scheduled in Jira with a ticket for review after it has been properly evaluated and ranked.

You should expect an answer in three to five years due to backlog.

We believe these changes will make soccer faster, more exciting, more profitable, and significantly less like the game people originally purchased.

But that is the beauty of American management.

If something works perfectly well for hundreds of years, somebody eventually gets promoted for figuring out how to improve it.

And if you are wondering who thought we were qualified to do this, don’t ask us. We don’t know Peter.

But we do understand the Peter Principle: eventually, everyone gets promoted to their level of incompetence.

And apparently, we just got promoted to soccer.