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I have some good news for coffee drinkers.

Apparently, coffee may help you lose body fat and gain muscle.

I say “apparently” because I have been drinking coffee for years, and unless someone secretly replaced my body with that of a professional athlete while I was sleeping, I have some questions.

According to a new study from Finland, people who drank more coffee tended to have less total body fat, less visceral fat, and more skeletal muscle than people who drank little or no coffee. The researchers looked at more than 2,200 people and found some interesting associations between coffee consumption, body composition, and metabolic markers.

So naturally, the headline becomes:

Drink coffee. Lose fat. Gain muscle.

Well, hell.

I’ve been sitting here thinking I was drinking coffee to wake up.

Apparently, I’ve been accidentally bodybuilding.

Unfortunately, nobody told my stomach.

I Call Bullshit

Let me be clear. I’m not calling the Finnish researchers liars.

I’m calling bullshit on the way these things get translated into headlines.

There is a rather important difference between saying:

“People who drink more coffee tend to have less body fat.”

And:

“Coffee makes you lose body fat.”

Those are not the same sentence.

The study was observational. Researchers looked at people’s coffee habits and health measurements. They found an association.

That doesn’t mean the coffee caused the result.

Maybe coffee makes you lean.

Maybe leaner people drink more coffee.

Maybe coffee drinkers are more active.

Maybe people who drink five cups of coffee a day are so damn busy they don’t have time to eat.

Maybe the Finns have discovered something the rest of us haven’t.

Or maybe I’m simply using this as an excuse to drink another cup.

The researchers themselves acknowledge that more research is needed to determine whether coffee actually causes these changes. They also didn’t have detailed information about cup size, brewing method, beans, milk, or sugar.

And that last part is important.

Because there is a tremendous difference between:

“I drink five cups of black coffee.”

And:

“I drink five 700-calorie Starbucks beverages containing enough whipped cream to qualify as a small dairy farm.”

My Personal Scientific Experiment

Now let’s get to the important research.

Me.

I drink a lot of coffee.

A LOT.

And I am still chubby.

Not “I have an extra ounce or two” chubby.

I’m talking about the kind of chubby where, if a study says coffee burns body fat, I want the researchers to explain exactly where my fat is supposed to have gone.

Because apparently, mine didn’t get the memo.

I’ve been drinking coffee long enough that my bloodstream probably contains a measurable percentage of caffeine.

If coffee really turns fat into muscle, I should currently look like Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1984.

Instead, I look like a guy who knows where the bakery is.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve found it more than once.

Maybe I’m Just Doing It Wrong

Perhaps the problem is dosage.

The study grouped people by coffee consumption, including those drinking five or more cups a day.

Maybe my problem is that I’ve stopped at coffee.

Perhaps there is a second step.

Coffee → exercise → muscle.

I have been doing:

Coffee → more coffee → another coffee → wondering why I’m tired.

That could be where the scientific process broke down.

Maybe the researchers forgot to include the part where you actually have to get off the couch.

That would explain a lot.

To Be Fair…

There is some legitimate science here.

The researchers found that higher coffee consumption was associated with lower body-fat percentage, lower total fat mass, less visceral fat, and greater skeletal muscle mass. Among men, higher coffee consumption was also associated with some differences in testosterone and insulin-related measurements.

Those are interesting findings.

And coffee has been studied extensively for potential health benefits.

But “associated with” is doing a hell of a lot of work in that sentence.

This is one of my pet peeves with health reporting.

A study finds a correlation, and suddenly the headline makes it sound like scientists have discovered the fountain of youth.

Eat chocolate. Live longer.

Drink wine. Protect your heart.

Drink coffee. Lose fat and build muscle.

Take a nap. Probably become president.

At some point, I expect a study to announce that people who eat pizza while watching Netflix have better cognitive function.

And I will be ready.

So I Guess I’ll Keep Drinking It

Despite my skepticism, I’m not giving up coffee.

Absolutely not.

If nothing else, coffee makes me functional in the morning, and at my age, I’m not about to surrender one of life’s few reliable pleasures because a researcher hasn’t yet proven exactly why I enjoy it.

And who knows?

Maybe all that coffee really is doing something.

Maybe, beneath this modest layer of body fat, there’s an extraordinary amount of muscle.

Maybe I am essentially a bodybuilder wearing a protective layer of insulation.

That’s my story, anyway.

And until somebody proves otherwise, I’m sticking with it.

So tomorrow morning I’ll pour myself another cup.

I’ll drink it slowly.

I’ll contemplate the Finnish researchers.

I’ll contemplate science.

I’ll contemplate my expanding waistline.

And then I’ll probably have another cup.

Because apparently, according to science, I’m building muscle.

I just haven’t found it yet.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some very important research to conduct.

There’s a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen.

Read the original New York Post article here.

Read the original New York Post article here.

Have you ever read a health headline that sounded too good to be true? What’s your favorite example?